You don't have to put up with false accusations from your ex.
If you have an abusive ex, you'll know what I'm talking about—mind-bending emails accusing you of things you've never done. Or messages accusing your family members of things that never happened.
Sometimes the accusation alleges abuse by a family member or friend of yours that your ex dislikes. Sometimes it's plain old projection, especially if your ex has a narcissistic personality style. The saying about three fingers pointing back absolutely applies here.
So, how do you react to false allegations from your ex?
DO you even react to them?
The answer is: think like a judge reading these accusations.
For instance, if your ex's false accusations defy belief (I know someone whose ex accused him, anyone who didn't buy her story, and even celebrities, of exerting mind control on her), a judge isn't going to give them the time of day. At the other extreme, if your ex's false accusations are totally petty, like allegations that you didn't return a book or a piece of clothing, a judge would likely find them trivial and not worthy of the court's time. However, if they're more serious accusations, then it can look bad if you don't respond to them.
By respond, I don't mean explain. When you start explaining yourself to your ex in response to their lies, you're essentially telling them that their delusions are valid. You're also inviting them to draw you into a prolonged, exhausting discussion that you can't win through reason alone. And you're giving them the supply they crave from you.
Here are some responses to your ex's false accusations that set a strong boundary and refute them effectively:
🔥 “Your concern is noted. [One liner stating the truth.]”
🔥 “Your attempts to falsely accuse me are duly noted.”
🔥 “Your attempts to cast me in a negative light are noted. That never happened.”
🔥 “Your attempt to falsely reverse blame is noted.”
How to disengage from your verbally abusive ex
If your ex continues their tirade because you called out their false accusations in your response, disengage by stating:
⛔ “I'm not interested in this type of discussion.”
⛔ “I'm not doing this.” (My personal favorite)
⛔ “I'm available for respectful and collaborative co-parenting discussions when you're ready.”
⛔ “I'm not here to go over old ground.”
⛔ “We’ve covered this already.”
Want more help dealing with false accusations from your ex? Contact me for a coaching session here.
And if you want to get more insight into why your ex is falsely accusing you of weird things you never did, and get a laugh out of it, I recommend Tina Swithin's book The Narc Decoder.