When someone understands the formula for dealing with a narcissist, it can be a life-changing moment. My neighbor, who’s in her mid 60s, had a major operation recently. I drove her to have her dressing changed. On the way, we got talking about the work I do.
“You know, my first husband was a narcissist,” she said. “Back then, I didn’t know about narcissists, but instinctively I knew that when I reacted to him, I was giving him the attention he craved.
I also knew that I was wasting my time and energy trying to get him to see my point of view because he was incapable of seeing anyone’s point of view except his own. It was as if no point of view that opposed his existed.
It was hard for me to change, so I thought, how much harder is it for him if it's hard for me? So I decided to focus my energy on making sure I had a happy life rather than on trying to get him to change.”
“Karine,” I said. “I’m super impressed. You didn’t even know what a narcissist was, but instinctively, you stumbled on the formula for dealing with one.”
There’s nothing complicated about the formula for dealing with narcissists. It’s simple, mainly because narcissists are simple. They all behave the same way for the same reasons.
🔑 They crave supply
🔑 They crave control
🔑 They are generally incapable of changing
🔑 If their narcissistic wound is triggered, they can’t empathize
Making the Formula Work for You
Knowing the formula for dealing with a narcissist is the easy part.
The difficult part is internalizing this knowledge so that it becomes a baked-in feature of every interaction with the narcissist(s) in your life. The trigger for this is different for everyone.
For me, it was learning about the monkey dance that drained my ex of his power over me.
Description originally by Dona Wheeler
When animals face off against each other in the wild, they dance, huff, growl, scream, and get all worked up. Biologists call this “a monkey dance.”
Monkeys are particularly vocal and animated when they’re angry and their angry monkey dance can be very intimidating to other monkeys. When drunken men do this same thing, scream, threaten, Jump around, and throw things in bars, police officers‚ also call it “doing the monkey dance. “
Whether it's in nature, or as a result of the male or female ego trying to impress or intimidate, it's still a “monkey dance. ”
The monkey dance is usually an orchestrated series of screams, arm waving, drama, threatening words, jumping up and down and all around and throwing stuff; at first glance, it’s intimidating and frightening, and viewers, especially targets of the dance, feel threatened, scared and want to run.
Good.
That’s what the monkey dance is supposed to evoke in an opponent—fear and fight.”
And that's what abusers do when they send bullying messages. They're like a monkey screaming, dancing around, flinging 💩 (that's projection, right there).
Once I had that image in my head, it stuck there, and the texts and emails stopped having the desired effect.
Instead, I'd think, “Throw him a banana”.
For some people, it’s thinking of their ex as a toddler, or just realizing that a perceived loss of control is what causes their ex to send them threatening, abusive messages. They know it’s a sign that THEY are the ones with the power, not the other way around.
How You Apply the Formula for Dealing With a Narcissist Is as Individual as You Are
For one of my clients, it’s visualizing an umbrella she can put up when a message from her ex pops up on her screen. For another, it’s imagining herself as a scientist analyzing her ex’s messages. Another one “puts on” her imaginary superhero cloak.
More than 30 years ago, without knowing that her ex was a narcissist, my neighbour was able to take her power back from him. To me, she’s a true superhero.
I am in total admiration of her.
I am also very happy that we have access to resources and information that weren’t available then.
If you need help getting to grips with the formula for dealing with a narcissist or developing a strategy to shield yourself from their drama, feel free to get in touch with me via my contact form or my CDC Certified Divorce Coach® profile page.