Ever found your ex accusing you of things you haven't done?
Here's why that happens.
Abusers with narcissistic tendencies will do anything to avoid acknowledging their own inner shame. They use unconscious psychological strategies to protect their ego from anxiety, perceived threats and uncomfortable realities.
One of these defense mechanisms is called projection.
Narcissists have often experienced chronic shaming and emotional trauma as children. To protect themselves, they build up rigid defenses against feelings of shame.
Unfortunately, these defenses stay in place as they grow up. Adult narcissists can't acknowledge, or even recognize. their inner shame because it would mean confronting their vulnerabilities. This could shatter their already fragile self-worth into pieces.
So, what do they do when these feelings come up in them?
👉🏼 They project them onto people around them.
👉🏼 They attribute their own unwanted feelings, motives, or insecurities to someone else and accuse that person of things they haven't done
👉🏼 That “someone else” is often the person on the receiving end of the narcissist's abuse.
It's been said that every accusation by a narcissist is an admission, but it's not always that simple.
Say your ex is accusing you of being unfaithful during the relationship, even though THIS NEVER HAPPENED. They might be doing this to externalize their feelings of shame at their own infidelity or maybe just their feelings of inadequacy or jealousy.
Once you understand how an abuser with narcissistic tendencies uses projection, it gets easier to cope with their false accusations.
So, if your ex accuses you of things you haven't done, instead of internalizing their claims or constantly defending yourself, you can recognize it as a reflection of their own inner turmoil.
So remember: your abuser's projections aren't about you. They're just a mirror of their own insecurities and unresolved traumas.
Stay strong, get support and prioritize your own well-being. Stop sapping your energy by buying into your ex's projections.